My birth name was supposed to be Anthony Ray Vacante.

Say that in your head a couple times. Anthony Ray—Sounds pretty nice, right? Some movie-star type shit.

For reasons unexplained, my parents settled on Anthony Perry.

Just like that, I went from having the name of an actor, a writer—perhaps a radio personality on a bad day—to a guy who makes his animal crackers fight before he eats them.

Growing up, I realized I could still make the “being a writer” thing work, despite this severe handicap.

Call me Tony.